Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
