I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
