I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
