Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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