We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
where am i from again
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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