Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
