Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
