I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
