I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
