Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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