I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
