I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
