Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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