Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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