did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
