It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize