omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize