My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize