we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
