your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I cut my penus on the lid.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
