I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
