Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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