I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
