i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
