as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize