He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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