Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
