one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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