Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
