I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
