Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love having hate sex.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
