my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
