If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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