I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
