There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
