So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
