Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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