Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
