Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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