just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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