Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
