It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
