I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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