I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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