I just saw a hot homeless man
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
