Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
