Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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