He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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