Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
