Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
