If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
