You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
