I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
