my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
