Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
