He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
