omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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