i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
