i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
