we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
