My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
