thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
