I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
