i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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