Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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