A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
