I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize