and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize