I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
