Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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