dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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