my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize